Burn the Ships!!

When you find yourself standing among crossroads in your life, have you ever experienced that feeling of complete satisfaction and peace when you finally know without a doubt the path you are supposed to take? It's as if a massive weight is lifted and everything seems to just fall into place. You can carry on with your life, confident, fearless and certain that as long as you stay the course, nothing can stop you. 

My mom and I were having a discussion in her kitchen on Wednesday afternoon about school and then my plans for med school. She was asking me how a coffee with an old school mate went earlier that morning. He's a Dr.and we talked a bit about plan B in case I don't make it into Med school on the first try. I hadn't really had a plan B because in my mind...not making it, is not an option. She reminded me of an old Greek fighting strategy which made them extremely successful in conquering enemy territory. The saying went, "If you want to take the island, you have to burn the ships." There is no turning back, you are either victorious or you die. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, in so many aspects of life. How many people start something whether it be relationships, life plans, savings etc and fail because they always seem to find a way out. They cling to the past asking "what if" or lean on crutches rather than relying on their own determination and inner strength to be successful and carry on. 

Many of you (my friends and family) know how the last several years of my marriage were and we have absolutely zero doubts about the strengths and determination that lie within me. You've been there to pick me up when I've fallen down and when you couldn't pick me up, you laid down with me and just listened for awhile. I have come to realize how important it is to have a strong support group, a cheering squad when muddling through life's struggles and I am so incredibly fortunate in that area within my life. I know the value in surrounding yourself with positive thoughts, quotes, and people when it comes to holding steadfast to a dream. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask the question, the answer is always no and if you don't step forward, you are always in the same place. 

Anyway, all of that to say that I am at an amazing place in my life right now..."cloud nine" for the lack of a better reference. Plans are coming to fruition and I can't help but be thrilled. My personal life is great, the boys are happy and we just keep moving up in our "new life" as Perrin so succinctly put it just about a year ago. It is incredibly crazy to think that it has been nearly a year since leaving the nightmare that became my previous life.

The bigger picture never seemed more clear than now,

As I try to keep my head up when my thoughts, they weigh me down.

Unexpectedly my freedom is a different picture,

Made by my tears, sometimes by my fears. 

But I no longer, 

will be no longer scared.

No longer scared.

A dream will carry you when all you need is something to believe,

magic in a place just to hold your hand. 

Because mountains come in many forms,

and with feet to carry me, 

I conform to the height,

With wings I'll fly above them.

Fly above them.

I make my dreams a reality,

Never looking down at my feet, because I know what's in store for me. 

If you could see through my eyes for just one day,

You'd realize that the road less traveled has already been paved. 

It's no conspiracy, theory, or educated guess.

It's truth and love, pushing myself to be the best.

Nothing less.

 

Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program...

My life...sorry, I mean my laptop was stolen from my car back before Christmas. I have felt stark naked without a computer and the inability to blog, but thank God for my iPhone or I might have truly gone insane. Once you go mac...well ya know. But, with a sad break-up (more on that in a few) he got the wrought iron bed I bought us and I got his computer. So, I guess we're even. Aaaand, back to blogging! Yay me!

Let's see, where to start. Well I guess the juiciest bit is always the most enticing and then maybe you'll keep reading to the end. But either way, it's the freshest too so we'll start there. Yep, I had a man, a good man. Well, not good enough for me apparently, but he was still good. Why do men go bad? Really. I mean, they seem to start off strong, all trustworthy and wonderful and then it's as if they get bored...or just lazy. I assure you I am far from boring. So my only assumption is that I was too fun for him or his true laziness began to shine and he got too comfy and secure. Just because I'm here and things are going great, doesn't mean I'm going to stay if you take me for granted ;) Been there done that for thirteen years and there is no way in Hell I will ever do that crap again. Ha, I am just thinking of this Pinterest post:

It wasn't like that though. In all seriousness I can't possibly pretend to know where things went wrong. But I am shamefully admitting that I should have seen it coming when he needed a "break and some time to think" a few weeks ago and well, we women hate to admit when something we want isn't working out, especially me. So it ended with him breaking up with me. Fine. Except his words were, "maybe we should call it quits for awhile." Ummmm, baby, there is no "awhile" here. It's called a break-up for a reason. If you can look into this beautiful face, and take full stock of all that I am (not just a beautiful face) and of my children and all we are together and still tell me that you are no longer in need of my company...there is only my foot on your ass out the door. Now that is definitely one lesson I have learned well. When I finally see that I am not being loved and treated in the way I deserve, I have no problem walking away. He never really said honestly what the issue was, only the typical lame excuses most men use..."it's not you, it's me. I don't know what I want. blah, blah, blah, blah..." I'm hearing Charlie Brown's teacher right now and all that matters is that he has just proven himself unreliable and insecure, which sadly means I'm done.


I will not pretend this hasn't hurt. But being a single mom to four boys and pretty much their only parent, I don't exactly have the luxury of drinking myself into a sleeping coma with tear smeared make-up all over my face and pillow, waking up looking like a murdered back alley hooker, moping about and being hurt and miserable. I did what I have always done when I've been screwed over by a man ...I find myself again. I strengthen my spin and resolve to never ever settle, then pat myself on the back for not settling. After that, I put on a sexy thong, and shave my legs while I carry on with my head held high.

Oh, and this goes up on my refrigerator:

It works!

Eventually, I don't have to remind myself to do these things anymore and I sparkle again. I've bounced back from this surprisingly well. I took this past weekend and hit downtown Asheville. I pampered myself with good food, lots of good wine, shopping, a nail salon, met some interesting people and went bar hopping with them and enjoyed some incredible musical talent. I recognized the need to be alone and responsible for only me for a few days and made it happen. Incredible.So I' m good. I still have pangs of a loss every now and then and think "what if". Then I shake myself from the "what if" emotional trap and instead say "oh well."

I have a plan, a purpose these days and it will happen with or without any man in my life. The next chapter of my life is taking me back to school. Having been accepted into the Pre-Med program at ETSU, I am determined to make it. Hopefully in six years time there will be an M.D. behind yet another Pinyard :)

And finally, I stumbled across a fantastic group in Asheville on the street called Lyric. I bough their CD for $10 and it was worth it. Check them out!

Cabin Fever

My dismally, wonderful view this morning.

Henry David Thoreau wrote:

"I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now."

I can always find the silver lining in any cloud no matter how dark and dismal. I try to make it a habit. Until I came across this line a few nights ago, I was feeling pretty bummed about being quarantined for nearly two weeks now. As much as I love being back home, adjusting to the boys being in school and not having immunity to all of the germs being passed around because parents won't keep their sick kids at home (just my humble opinion, haha), this single mom is a little overwhelmed. I can honestly say that this is the first time ever, that everyone in our house has been sick. It typically would come in phases, one kid getting well while another one goes down, so on and so forth. But even I am a little helpless at the moment.

I think we find balance best when we are able to really prioritize and realize when our expectations are a little too high. At least that is my secret to successfully parenting four boys. You just look around and say, "well, we have clean pajamas and underwear, screw the rest." Dishes in the sink for a day or so are a-okay. Who cares if your sick kids lay on the couch watching movies all day. Sure, any other day it rots their brains, but ya know what, it's better than listening to whining about not feeling well or being bored while they're stuck at home...and not just any home but an 1100sqft burrow. My sheets have been washed twice this week because I keep thinking about all of the mythbuster episodes I have seen about how far germs from a cough or a sneeze can travel and snotty noses that have been wiped on my pillow cases...ugh. Clorox wipes and leftover chicken noodle soup are my best friends these days. 

But then on evenings like this, when it begins to snow fat, perfect and pure flakes, I look outside and see nothing but beauty surrounding me. I realize that even though I am inside and somewhat quarantined to the rest of the world, it's okay because from MY deck, I absolutely can best see the moonlight and the mountains. There is no going below, it is my view from all sides and that makes me quite content with having a little cabin fever.

The natives are getting a little restless. Yes, that is a wooden knife with blood colored onto the blade in Perrin's hand. Issues!

All We Knitters Like Sheep...

 but I will happily count my blessings as well.

 Nothing worries a mother more than having very sick children. As your kids get older, illness seems a little more doable because they can tell you what's wrong, take medicine on their own, and are not so seemingly helpless. But yesterday afternoon, when the pediatrician wanted to show me Perrin's "impressive" x-ray, my stomach sank. Not only was his right lung full of bacterial pneumonia, it was 99% likely that Cashion and Griffen (who were also there because they were sick) had the same very contagious illness. Really God? Three kids with bacterial pneumonia? Seriously? Fortunately for Cashion and Griffen I caught it early enough due to Perrin, who wasn't so lucky, having already been sick for nearly a week.

He came back from his Thanksgiving break with his other grandparents already sick, which he said this morning that he had started feeling bad the day after they got there. He was out of school Monday through Wednesday this week when I finally took him to the doctor. I was told he probably had pneumonia but maybe bronchitis and they didn't do an x-ray. Over the course of the next three days he just got worse. So yesterday, when Cashion and Griffen woke up sick, it was time to go back. Poor Perrin. For those of you who know him, he is an extraordinarily tough kid. It takes a lot to make him cry. He will typically sit without any issues during  a vaccination, possibly flinch a little (as we all do) at the surprise of being "stung". Yesterday, he received two very strong doses of antibiotics via intramuscular injection, one in each leg. Perrin I think was nervous, but it wasn't until they stuck him and started injecting that I actually, for the first time in all of my child rearing, vaccinating, dr. visiting days, wanted to cry. The look on his face was sheer horror, he clinched his jaw and held in an agonizing wail of pain. Afterwards, all he could say as tears rolled down his face was "that really, really hurt." He spent the next thirty minutes silently sobbing into my shoulder. I could tell that it really got to our nurse, Amy, too. She looked so sad and just said to me that it does in fact, "really, really hurt" and that is probably an understatement. Apparently the pain with this particular antibiotic injection has been compared to being stabbed with a smoldering hot poker in your thigh. We left several hours later with the instruction that if he was not fever free by tomorrow evening, he will have to be admitted to the hospital on Monday morning.

Where do I count my blessings in the midst of the insanity that is my life right now? Funny enough, I find my biggest blessing in being alone at night. I have had so many wonderful friends and family offer to come and help me and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. But come 8pm, I am immensely grateful to have my little Burrow that is cozy and warm, my haven of peace and security, all to myself. I can listen to any Pandora station I choose, get warm by the wood stove and enjoy my balsam pine candles. I am able to knit or spin as long as I'd like without any interruptions, call someone if I want (or don't answer the phone at all). I blog, or write, drink a glass or a bottle of wine, and even enjoy an hour or so of yoga. I can leave the laundry unfolded and dishes in the sink. I don't have to think about conversation or entertaining anyone. I reflect on the years past and count the blessings in every little victory and event throughout my life that has shaped me into the woman and mother that I am today. It's a time during my day when I can take care of me, just me. The one and only priorities in my life are sleeping safely and peacefully. Nothing else in the world matters during the hours of 8pm and 7am, they are all mine to do with whatever I please.

"So, if you're worried and you can't sleep, 

just count your blessings, instead of sheep.

and you'll fall asleep, 

counting your blessings."

Bored With Stars? Really??

Sometime last month I asked a single friend of mine what he did to fill his "lonely" time. He has never been married but has been in a long term relationship and he sweetly gave me a few ideas that I have adopted. But more than anything I have just had to really accept some major changes in my life and single status has been one of those adjustments. It has been fun and it has been stressful but more than anything, it has been wonderful for my intense need to find myself...my identity as an independent, confident and able woman. 

It's funny how in the blink of an eye everything you knew and thought and felt comfort in can change so drastically. I have obviously been into some deep thinking lately and one of the things for me has been celebrating some of the very cool self-awarenesses that I have had in the last few years. For the first time in my life I am completely independent...paying my own bills, making my own decisions, repairing my own car, repairing my own house, and quite successfully raising four very cool boys on top of all of that. For the majority of my adult life and marriage I have been dependent on someone else and for once it is incredibly refreshing to know that in fact, I am more than capable of doing everything necessary to take care of myself and my boys. 

Life is settling down and we are pretty well set right now. I did some rather discouraging but definitely enlightening dating back in August and some of September and even saw someone somewhat seriously for a month or so and well, let's just say he didn't make the cut. He would become restless and bored looking at stars (unacceptable) and I found myself looking at him and wondering if he was someone who would stay up all night laughing and talking about stupid stuff, or would on a moment's notice be spontaneous and do something fun, does he truly appreciate art and music the way I do? And more than anything, is he worthy of me and all I have to give? Apparently not. I was done at the lack stargazing enthusiasm.

So mainly, I have been focusing on nurturing friendships, my relationship with my kids and learning how to be content with being alone because I will never, ever again settle for anything short of spectacular, wonderful and amazing. When you are with someone, even a complete and utter asshole, for so long you get used to having another body around to at least talk at, if you're not able to talk to. And well, you become a little conditioned into thoughts and behaviors and reorganizing those conditioned patterns takes some time. My best friend put it pretty well a few weeks ago by saying how unfair it is to the truly good men out there that they will always be unintentionally compared to and punished for the previous jerks in our lives. Abused women do defensively stupid things or think in a way that may seem irrational or silly. But I am in the process of reconditioning my thoughts to believe that there is someone out there somewhere who is meant to be a part of my life. I  certainly do not need to be on any sort of a hunt and will not be chasing any man, no matter how great he may be. It was fun while it lasted, but in the meantime, I'm pretty content with the simplicity of things and well...a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle :) 

Bridges Beyond Repair?

I really hate burning bridges. Sometimes they are necessary and sometimes well, I am just human. As with all things in my world there has to be aceptance. I typically find that when I am feeling "bugged" about something it is because I find a specific situation or circumstance unacceptable. Then I have to take myself aside (which I have done seemingly a little too often of late) and say, "Hey Kel, come on. What's the deal here? No need to be bugged, you are most unfortunately not the God of the universe so just accept it."

I was getting my nails done this morning and while I was chatting with Chi we both sort of realized that I've been back in the states a few months shy of a year now. Wow. Really? That is a little crazy. And then of course my mind slips into thinking about time and how as we get older it seems to pass so quickly and I wish I could put the brakes on occasionally and I definitely have found myself wishing I could reverse it more often than not this year. For the last five years or so I have truly tried to live my life in the present moment, making sure that I maximize my opportunities and while it has been fun in some ways, I also look back and see a slight train wreck in my wake. Nothing at all having to do with my divorce or my decision to leave the wasband by any means. That was a good, solid, non-regrettable decision. My life and the life of my boys are definitely better for that. But I guess it is mostly seeing the growth and changes within my soul over the last several months. I feel like a phoenix that has risen from the ash so many times over the last thirteen years, but this time, this time I am whole. And I do regret not being "whole" sooner, some things might have turned out a little differently. And here is where I struggle with acceptance.

When we screw up and burn bridges, are the planks reduced to cinders or are they sometimes salvageable? And how do we determine whether or not to let go, stay firm, stubbornly strong and keep moving forward like a horse with blinders or to stop and go back and try to make things "right" or what we think should be right? How far do we go to try and rebuild without compromising the integrity of the structure? Ha, I'm sitting here thinking of the movie Funny Farm where the movers are taking a bridge and one guy says to the other, "That's not a bridge! Those are termites holding hands!" I don't need termites but there is definitely an energy of wrongness in my air lately and I can't seem to shake it. It is keeping me firmly planted, sifting through what seems like a hopelessly burnt bridge, yet there is the odd determination to find something worth salvaging. Is it wasted time? Is it my ego? Who knows. I guess while I really have nothing else to do right now I will keep digging and thinking.

Unbroken

I need more mornings like this one. I have spent the last few weeks trying to tackle the second half of my nearly two year long mantra: "Get through today and pick up the pieces later". Everything is falling into place fairly well and try as I may, I keeping finding myself with time. Lots of time, yet never alone long enough to really contemplate my next move, or to determine what was important but dropped in my mad dash to extricate myself and my boys from such a horrifying situation.

I sent the boys to their other grandparents house for their long Thanksgiving weekend break, a much needed break for me as well. I find myself repeatedly doing a full body check, an emotional inventory so to speak. Are you okay? Where does it hurt? Can you move this? Can you do this? What day is it? What's your name? Who are you? Can you tell me your identity? How do you feel about...? And then well, I find that I am in fact, some kind of wonderful and a little unbroken.

"And inevitably what you used to be
will succumb to the pull of gravity,
and you will never, no you will never see with virgin eyes again.

Cus this is the day that everything changes,
And your world stops turning, running straight
into the brake lights, and you've come to nothing.
This is the day that everything changes and your worlds collide
You know in time you'll wake to find...you're a little unbroken."
-Missy Higgins