Bridges Beyond Repair?

I really hate burning bridges. Sometimes they are necessary and sometimes well, I am just human. As with all things in my world there has to be aceptance. I typically find that when I am feeling "bugged" about something it is because I find a specific situation or circumstance unacceptable. Then I have to take myself aside (which I have done seemingly a little too often of late) and say, "Hey Kel, come on. What's the deal here? No need to be bugged, you are most unfortunately not the God of the universe so just accept it."

I was getting my nails done this morning and while I was chatting with Chi we both sort of realized that I've been back in the states a few months shy of a year now. Wow. Really? That is a little crazy. And then of course my mind slips into thinking about time and how as we get older it seems to pass so quickly and I wish I could put the brakes on occasionally and I definitely have found myself wishing I could reverse it more often than not this year. For the last five years or so I have truly tried to live my life in the present moment, making sure that I maximize my opportunities and while it has been fun in some ways, I also look back and see a slight train wreck in my wake. Nothing at all having to do with my divorce or my decision to leave the wasband by any means. That was a good, solid, non-regrettable decision. My life and the life of my boys are definitely better for that. But I guess it is mostly seeing the growth and changes within my soul over the last several months. I feel like a phoenix that has risen from the ash so many times over the last thirteen years, but this time, this time I am whole. And I do regret not being "whole" sooner, some things might have turned out a little differently. And here is where I struggle with acceptance.

When we screw up and burn bridges, are the planks reduced to cinders or are they sometimes salvageable? And how do we determine whether or not to let go, stay firm, stubbornly strong and keep moving forward like a horse with blinders or to stop and go back and try to make things "right" or what we think should be right? How far do we go to try and rebuild without compromising the integrity of the structure? Ha, I'm sitting here thinking of the movie Funny Farm where the movers are taking a bridge and one guy says to the other, "That's not a bridge! Those are termites holding hands!" I don't need termites but there is definitely an energy of wrongness in my air lately and I can't seem to shake it. It is keeping me firmly planted, sifting through what seems like a hopelessly burnt bridge, yet there is the odd determination to find something worth salvaging. Is it wasted time? Is it my ego? Who knows. I guess while I really have nothing else to do right now I will keep digging and thinking.