Burn the Ships!!

When you find yourself standing among crossroads in your life, have you ever experienced that feeling of complete satisfaction and peace when you finally know without a doubt the path you are supposed to take? It's as if a massive weight is lifted and everything seems to just fall into place. You can carry on with your life, confident, fearless and certain that as long as you stay the course, nothing can stop you. 

My mom and I were having a discussion in her kitchen on Wednesday afternoon about school and then my plans for med school. She was asking me how a coffee with an old school mate went earlier that morning. He's a Dr.and we talked a bit about plan B in case I don't make it into Med school on the first try. I hadn't really had a plan B because in my mind...not making it, is not an option. She reminded me of an old Greek fighting strategy which made them extremely successful in conquering enemy territory. The saying went, "If you want to take the island, you have to burn the ships." There is no turning back, you are either victorious or you die. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, in so many aspects of life. How many people start something whether it be relationships, life plans, savings etc and fail because they always seem to find a way out. They cling to the past asking "what if" or lean on crutches rather than relying on their own determination and inner strength to be successful and carry on. 

Many of you (my friends and family) know how the last several years of my marriage were and we have absolutely zero doubts about the strengths and determination that lie within me. You've been there to pick me up when I've fallen down and when you couldn't pick me up, you laid down with me and just listened for awhile. I have come to realize how important it is to have a strong support group, a cheering squad when muddling through life's struggles and I am so incredibly fortunate in that area within my life. I know the value in surrounding yourself with positive thoughts, quotes, and people when it comes to holding steadfast to a dream. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask the question, the answer is always no and if you don't step forward, you are always in the same place. 

Anyway, all of that to say that I am at an amazing place in my life right now..."cloud nine" for the lack of a better reference. Plans are coming to fruition and I can't help but be thrilled. My personal life is great, the boys are happy and we just keep moving up in our "new life" as Perrin so succinctly put it just about a year ago. It is incredibly crazy to think that it has been nearly a year since leaving the nightmare that became my previous life.

The bigger picture never seemed more clear than now,

As I try to keep my head up when my thoughts, they weigh me down.

Unexpectedly my freedom is a different picture,

Made by my tears, sometimes by my fears. 

But I no longer, 

will be no longer scared.

No longer scared.

A dream will carry you when all you need is something to believe,

magic in a place just to hold your hand. 

Because mountains come in many forms,

and with feet to carry me, 

I conform to the height,

With wings I'll fly above them.

Fly above them.

I make my dreams a reality,

Never looking down at my feet, because I know what's in store for me. 

If you could see through my eyes for just one day,

You'd realize that the road less traveled has already been paved. 

It's no conspiracy, theory, or educated guess.

It's truth and love, pushing myself to be the best.

Nothing less.

 

Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program...

My life...sorry, I mean my laptop was stolen from my car back before Christmas. I have felt stark naked without a computer and the inability to blog, but thank God for my iPhone or I might have truly gone insane. Once you go mac...well ya know. But, with a sad break-up (more on that in a few) he got the wrought iron bed I bought us and I got his computer. So, I guess we're even. Aaaand, back to blogging! Yay me!

Let's see, where to start. Well I guess the juiciest bit is always the most enticing and then maybe you'll keep reading to the end. But either way, it's the freshest too so we'll start there. Yep, I had a man, a good man. Well, not good enough for me apparently, but he was still good. Why do men go bad? Really. I mean, they seem to start off strong, all trustworthy and wonderful and then it's as if they get bored...or just lazy. I assure you I am far from boring. So my only assumption is that I was too fun for him or his true laziness began to shine and he got too comfy and secure. Just because I'm here and things are going great, doesn't mean I'm going to stay if you take me for granted ;) Been there done that for thirteen years and there is no way in Hell I will ever do that crap again. Ha, I am just thinking of this Pinterest post:

It wasn't like that though. In all seriousness I can't possibly pretend to know where things went wrong. But I am shamefully admitting that I should have seen it coming when he needed a "break and some time to think" a few weeks ago and well, we women hate to admit when something we want isn't working out, especially me. So it ended with him breaking up with me. Fine. Except his words were, "maybe we should call it quits for awhile." Ummmm, baby, there is no "awhile" here. It's called a break-up for a reason. If you can look into this beautiful face, and take full stock of all that I am (not just a beautiful face) and of my children and all we are together and still tell me that you are no longer in need of my company...there is only my foot on your ass out the door. Now that is definitely one lesson I have learned well. When I finally see that I am not being loved and treated in the way I deserve, I have no problem walking away. He never really said honestly what the issue was, only the typical lame excuses most men use..."it's not you, it's me. I don't know what I want. blah, blah, blah, blah..." I'm hearing Charlie Brown's teacher right now and all that matters is that he has just proven himself unreliable and insecure, which sadly means I'm done.


I will not pretend this hasn't hurt. But being a single mom to four boys and pretty much their only parent, I don't exactly have the luxury of drinking myself into a sleeping coma with tear smeared make-up all over my face and pillow, waking up looking like a murdered back alley hooker, moping about and being hurt and miserable. I did what I have always done when I've been screwed over by a man ...I find myself again. I strengthen my spin and resolve to never ever settle, then pat myself on the back for not settling. After that, I put on a sexy thong, and shave my legs while I carry on with my head held high.

Oh, and this goes up on my refrigerator:

It works!

Eventually, I don't have to remind myself to do these things anymore and I sparkle again. I've bounced back from this surprisingly well. I took this past weekend and hit downtown Asheville. I pampered myself with good food, lots of good wine, shopping, a nail salon, met some interesting people and went bar hopping with them and enjoyed some incredible musical talent. I recognized the need to be alone and responsible for only me for a few days and made it happen. Incredible.So I' m good. I still have pangs of a loss every now and then and think "what if". Then I shake myself from the "what if" emotional trap and instead say "oh well."

I have a plan, a purpose these days and it will happen with or without any man in my life. The next chapter of my life is taking me back to school. Having been accepted into the Pre-Med program at ETSU, I am determined to make it. Hopefully in six years time there will be an M.D. behind yet another Pinyard :)

And finally, I stumbled across a fantastic group in Asheville on the street called Lyric. I bough their CD for $10 and it was worth it. Check them out!