Bored With Stars? Really??

Sometime last month I asked a single friend of mine what he did to fill his "lonely" time. He has never been married but has been in a long term relationship and he sweetly gave me a few ideas that I have adopted. But more than anything I have just had to really accept some major changes in my life and single status has been one of those adjustments. It has been fun and it has been stressful but more than anything, it has been wonderful for my intense need to find myself...my identity as an independent, confident and able woman. 

It's funny how in the blink of an eye everything you knew and thought and felt comfort in can change so drastically. I have obviously been into some deep thinking lately and one of the things for me has been celebrating some of the very cool self-awarenesses that I have had in the last few years. For the first time in my life I am completely independent...paying my own bills, making my own decisions, repairing my own car, repairing my own house, and quite successfully raising four very cool boys on top of all of that. For the majority of my adult life and marriage I have been dependent on someone else and for once it is incredibly refreshing to know that in fact, I am more than capable of doing everything necessary to take care of myself and my boys. 

Life is settling down and we are pretty well set right now. I did some rather discouraging but definitely enlightening dating back in August and some of September and even saw someone somewhat seriously for a month or so and well, let's just say he didn't make the cut. He would become restless and bored looking at stars (unacceptable) and I found myself looking at him and wondering if he was someone who would stay up all night laughing and talking about stupid stuff, or would on a moment's notice be spontaneous and do something fun, does he truly appreciate art and music the way I do? And more than anything, is he worthy of me and all I have to give? Apparently not. I was done at the lack stargazing enthusiasm.

So mainly, I have been focusing on nurturing friendships, my relationship with my kids and learning how to be content with being alone because I will never, ever again settle for anything short of spectacular, wonderful and amazing. When you are with someone, even a complete and utter asshole, for so long you get used to having another body around to at least talk at, if you're not able to talk to. And well, you become a little conditioned into thoughts and behaviors and reorganizing those conditioned patterns takes some time. My best friend put it pretty well a few weeks ago by saying how unfair it is to the truly good men out there that they will always be unintentionally compared to and punished for the previous jerks in our lives. Abused women do defensively stupid things or think in a way that may seem irrational or silly. But I am in the process of reconditioning my thoughts to believe that there is someone out there somewhere who is meant to be a part of my life. I  certainly do not need to be on any sort of a hunt and will not be chasing any man, no matter how great he may be. It was fun while it lasted, but in the meantime, I'm pretty content with the simplicity of things and well...a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle :) 

Bridges Beyond Repair?

I really hate burning bridges. Sometimes they are necessary and sometimes well, I am just human. As with all things in my world there has to be aceptance. I typically find that when I am feeling "bugged" about something it is because I find a specific situation or circumstance unacceptable. Then I have to take myself aside (which I have done seemingly a little too often of late) and say, "Hey Kel, come on. What's the deal here? No need to be bugged, you are most unfortunately not the God of the universe so just accept it."

I was getting my nails done this morning and while I was chatting with Chi we both sort of realized that I've been back in the states a few months shy of a year now. Wow. Really? That is a little crazy. And then of course my mind slips into thinking about time and how as we get older it seems to pass so quickly and I wish I could put the brakes on occasionally and I definitely have found myself wishing I could reverse it more often than not this year. For the last five years or so I have truly tried to live my life in the present moment, making sure that I maximize my opportunities and while it has been fun in some ways, I also look back and see a slight train wreck in my wake. Nothing at all having to do with my divorce or my decision to leave the wasband by any means. That was a good, solid, non-regrettable decision. My life and the life of my boys are definitely better for that. But I guess it is mostly seeing the growth and changes within my soul over the last several months. I feel like a phoenix that has risen from the ash so many times over the last thirteen years, but this time, this time I am whole. And I do regret not being "whole" sooner, some things might have turned out a little differently. And here is where I struggle with acceptance.

When we screw up and burn bridges, are the planks reduced to cinders or are they sometimes salvageable? And how do we determine whether or not to let go, stay firm, stubbornly strong and keep moving forward like a horse with blinders or to stop and go back and try to make things "right" or what we think should be right? How far do we go to try and rebuild without compromising the integrity of the structure? Ha, I'm sitting here thinking of the movie Funny Farm where the movers are taking a bridge and one guy says to the other, "That's not a bridge! Those are termites holding hands!" I don't need termites but there is definitely an energy of wrongness in my air lately and I can't seem to shake it. It is keeping me firmly planted, sifting through what seems like a hopelessly burnt bridge, yet there is the odd determination to find something worth salvaging. Is it wasted time? Is it my ego? Who knows. I guess while I really have nothing else to do right now I will keep digging and thinking.

Unbroken

I need more mornings like this one. I have spent the last few weeks trying to tackle the second half of my nearly two year long mantra: "Get through today and pick up the pieces later". Everything is falling into place fairly well and try as I may, I keeping finding myself with time. Lots of time, yet never alone long enough to really contemplate my next move, or to determine what was important but dropped in my mad dash to extricate myself and my boys from such a horrifying situation.

I sent the boys to their other grandparents house for their long Thanksgiving weekend break, a much needed break for me as well. I find myself repeatedly doing a full body check, an emotional inventory so to speak. Are you okay? Where does it hurt? Can you move this? Can you do this? What day is it? What's your name? Who are you? Can you tell me your identity? How do you feel about...? And then well, I find that I am in fact, some kind of wonderful and a little unbroken.

"And inevitably what you used to be
will succumb to the pull of gravity,
and you will never, no you will never see with virgin eyes again.

Cus this is the day that everything changes,
And your world stops turning, running straight
into the brake lights, and you've come to nothing.
This is the day that everything changes and your worlds collide
You know in time you'll wake to find...you're a little unbroken."
-Missy Higgins

Yep, I'll Drink to That!

I think I am going to ramble about a few things tonight along with throwing in a few facts about some finished, in progress as well as up and coming knitting projects. My mind has been especially active lately and a certain Australian wine has been my companion on these cold mountain nights.

For those who have ever established single status after being married, does the loneliness seem to just hit you after awhile? As a woman, sometimes it is hard to distinguish between desires for your personal life and reality, especially if you have kids haha. I'm bored, and lonely. I've been reading the book 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. If you haven't read it and you are married or in any relationship or plan on being in one someday, it's a great book. Apparently my love language is Quality Time. Maybe I shouldn't be living in a little cabin burrowed into the mountains. I have no definitive thought on what I will do when winter actually sets in. Probably knit like it's nobody's business. Mostly likely there will be lots of "bottled poetry" being posted here at "The Burrow Knits."

"A thousand cups of wine do not suffice when true friends meet, but half a sentence is too much when there is no meeting of the minds." - Chinese Proverb

干杯!

My dad's birthday was yesterday. I am in the process of knitting him a scarf to accompany his dress coats. It is being knit from a single ply of Bluefaced Leicester organic wool. Bluefaced Leicester (or BFL as we call it in the spinners world), is a sheep who's wool is a little softer, silkier and longer than merino, which has a nice sticky quality to it. Most wool sweaters and such are typically made from merino wool. It's gorgeous. The stitch is called Farrow Rib and i am incredibly pleased so far! Hopefully I'll finish it this weekend.

 "The leaves fall, the wind blows and the country slowly changes from it's summer cottons into it's winter wools." - Henry Beston

Sláinte!

I finished two projects this week which are at The Sparrow's Nest waiting to be sold! I knit a Norwegian Star hat out of some leftover Plymouth wool with the stars worked in a Plymouth Hillside linen. It turned out beautifully but a little big. My gauge was correct, but I think I will probably start the decreases earlier or skip a knit row or two. The picture is before blocking which I thought the roll brim was cute, but I blocked it and will most likely add some ear flaps for the next one. 

The next finished project is a pair of mittens knitted with New Zealand Possum! They are gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous! They knitted quickly and I adore them, I was actually a little sad to let them go. I chose a very basic mitten pattern because I wanted to maintain the quality and beauty of the yarn, but made them a little more feminine by extending the arm length and creating a little bit of a slouch. 

"We begin to see that the completion of an important project has every right to be dignified by a natural grieving process. Something that required the best of you has ended. You will miss it." 

- Anne Wilson Schaffe

Skål!

On top of finishing the scarf for my dad, I have two commissions this week, both are hats so they should be pretty easy. I would like to finish some Christmas gift ideas as well. The boys only have Monday and Tuesday in school and then they are headed to Ross's mom's house for Thanksgiving... I get a nice long weekend break! It's going to be an action packed week. I will be buying a new cell phone since mine fell into my kitchen sink a few days ago and no amount of rice in a bag can rejuvenate it, haha. Thursday morning I will be participating in the annual Turkey Trot. It's a 5k and my hope is to finish it in under 30 minutes, which shouldn't be too difficult. It's my first organized run and I am pretty excited about it! 

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their nose and some don't turn up at all."

- Sam Ewing

Mabuhay!

And last but definitely not least, and my biggest reason to celebrate is that my youngest sister Abby-Kilraine is home from school! Yay!! She has been away at boarding school since August and I have missed her so. For those of you who are most unfortunate to not know Killer, she is the most incredibly intelligent, talented and loving 14 year old girl I know. She is one of the best things that happened to our family and I love her tremendously! 

 "Do you know what friendship is...it is to be sisters, two souls that touch without mingling, two fingers on one hand."

-Victor Hugo

Aung myin par say!

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh."

- W.H. Auden

Наздраве!

"The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions."

- Lord Alfred Tennyson 

(my favorite 20th century poet!)

CHEERS!

Hooray for Quick Knits!

I was feeling a little restless last night. What better thing to do than pick up a ball of charcoal grey, bulky, highland shetland wool and some size 10 double points? I scrolled through Ravelry, found a feather and fan hat pattern, and set to work. It turned out to be a great night for knitting because Griffen ended up waking up a few times with a nasty croup sounding cough. He crawled into bed with me around 2am and snuggled up while I knitted away. About four hours after casting on, I was weaving in ends and putting a precious sleeping little two year old boy back into his crib.

I will probably hang onto this hat as a gift when needed. I am thinking about doing a little embroidery on it, but we'll see. For now, it's another knit from the heart of The Burrow!

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to bloom..." -Anais Nin

I haven't talked much, if at all about my divorce or the incidents leading up to it. Nor will I today. But my first post on The Burrow Knits was about a cardigan that I'd been in the process of knitting for Ross and had been indecisive on what to do with it. Up until last night, it has been sitting untouched, being shifted with other knitting supplies and projects and collecting dust. Some suggestions had been:


1. burn it.
2. throw it away
3. it's nearly done, just finish it and sell it. (which would have been about a $300 profit)
4. finish it, sell it and donate the proceeds to a woman's shelter
5. finish it and give it away

It was nearly done. All it needed were sleeves, which would have taken maybe two days to knit. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to want to do anything with it. Having already invested so much time and money into it, it felt wrong to throw it away or burn it. Yet, the memories and thoughts that overwhelmed me at times when having to see it weren't even close to being worthy of keeping it around. It was like that one last little bit of nasty burnt food on a baking dish that seems impossible to soak or scrape off.

Yesterday I was updating my Ravelry notebook and noticed the project was still listed as being  "in progress". Was it really in progress? I started it on February 4th. I am certain that I knit it for the next 10 days and never touched it again after Valentines Day. There were three catastrophic events that happened on that day which all solidified that my marriage was in fact, without a doubt, over. One for my boys, one for my marriage and one for my body, mind, heart, soul and self-respect. What else was I allowing to still be "in progress" by keeping this piece of material around? That night, I drank a bottle of champagne alone in our back garden, and silently celebrated the risk I was about to take in order to finally bloom.

"In these bodies we will live. In these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
-Marcus Mumford

Designing Scarves

Pattern secrets abide with Audrey, my fashion guru!

I have been knitting scarves for the last few months. They are quick and therefore fairly easy, but mostly I have thoroughly enjoyed creating my own patterns and color designs. I have two ready to be sold and a third is on needles almost complete. The Mistletoe Market is coming up and I am hoping to make a nice profit or possibly simply give the gift of handmade goodness with Christmas love :)

So without further ado, here are two finished projects:

Knit with a hand-dyed merino wool and cashmere blend, the color trim is knit in scrap baby alpaca. The ribbon is woven and gathered through knitted eyelets.

This scarf is knit in a handspun 100% organic cotton. The stitch is what I call a staggered moss stitch. 

The Burrow and The Ridges Trick-or-Treat

We have had an incredibly fun and action packed month! But, I'm back to Burrow blogging and one of my goals for the next several months is to do more with photography. I have a fantastic camera and with the amazing invention of the smart phone, it's just too easy to take a quick shot and throw it up on Facebook! With that, we need photos around The Burrow. So I will take more pictures with my camera, and along with blogging them, I will have them printed and frame them.

Halloween was a blast! The boys and I dressed up and went to my parent's house in The Ridges neighborhood. It's a golf course / country club community. We were joined by my sister, her husband, their two boys, and then my brother in law's sister, husband, their three girls and two of our friends, Josh and Lizette. Mom made "Riggaboney" and salads for dinner, and we hit the streets around 7pm. We had four golf carts and despite the cold, managed to trick-or-treat for hours and share a lot of laughter.