Bored With Stars? Really??

Sometime last month I asked a single friend of mine what he did to fill his "lonely" time. He has never been married but has been in a long term relationship and he sweetly gave me a few ideas that I have adopted. But more than anything I have just had to really accept some major changes in my life and single status has been one of those adjustments. It has been fun and it has been stressful but more than anything, it has been wonderful for my intense need to find myself...my identity as an independent, confident and able woman. 

It's funny how in the blink of an eye everything you knew and thought and felt comfort in can change so drastically. I have obviously been into some deep thinking lately and one of the things for me has been celebrating some of the very cool self-awarenesses that I have had in the last few years. For the first time in my life I am completely independent...paying my own bills, making my own decisions, repairing my own car, repairing my own house, and quite successfully raising four very cool boys on top of all of that. For the majority of my adult life and marriage I have been dependent on someone else and for once it is incredibly refreshing to know that in fact, I am more than capable of doing everything necessary to take care of myself and my boys. 

Life is settling down and we are pretty well set right now. I did some rather discouraging but definitely enlightening dating back in August and some of September and even saw someone somewhat seriously for a month or so and well, let's just say he didn't make the cut. He would become restless and bored looking at stars (unacceptable) and I found myself looking at him and wondering if he was someone who would stay up all night laughing and talking about stupid stuff, or would on a moment's notice be spontaneous and do something fun, does he truly appreciate art and music the way I do? And more than anything, is he worthy of me and all I have to give? Apparently not. I was done at the lack stargazing enthusiasm.

So mainly, I have been focusing on nurturing friendships, my relationship with my kids and learning how to be content with being alone because I will never, ever again settle for anything short of spectacular, wonderful and amazing. When you are with someone, even a complete and utter asshole, for so long you get used to having another body around to at least talk at, if you're not able to talk to. And well, you become a little conditioned into thoughts and behaviors and reorganizing those conditioned patterns takes some time. My best friend put it pretty well a few weeks ago by saying how unfair it is to the truly good men out there that they will always be unintentionally compared to and punished for the previous jerks in our lives. Abused women do defensively stupid things or think in a way that may seem irrational or silly. But I am in the process of reconditioning my thoughts to believe that there is someone out there somewhere who is meant to be a part of my life. I  certainly do not need to be on any sort of a hunt and will not be chasing any man, no matter how great he may be. It was fun while it lasted, but in the meantime, I'm pretty content with the simplicity of things and well...a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle :)